The Dream Revisited

February 23, 2012 Amy Medical SchoolResidencyRomaniaThe Future

Publishing old saved drafts….

from July…although hauntingly still true.

 

Long ago and far away I spent my summers wandering the streets of Bucharest playing with street kids, finding babies in back rooms of crumbling, stifling Soviet bloc hospitals. These summers defined me and it was here the dream was born to be a really excellent activist and pediatrician who could save babies from disease and from the poverty and stigma that they live under.    Then somewhere along the way I got caught up in a dream to study at a world class childrens hospital and caught up in all the academic rigmarole and danced the dance and sang the songs and won my way into a place that is so far removed from the  that dream that sometimes I still wake up and have to remind myself that I am not living in an alternate universe.

I am bruntout on the alternate universe. I am tired of staying up all night. I am tired of parents telling me they want me touch their children with my inexperienced, tired hands. I am tired of getting e-mails in my box that I only reviewed 9 systems in my review of system rather than 10 and the ED attending can’t get paid if I only have 9 in my note. I am tired fighting to put checks in an imaginary series of check boxes to fit some sort of magical mold that an elite pediatric resident is supposed to fit. And I keep waking up with a start because in my dreams I am doing what I have done every summer for the past 7 years up till this one, riding buses and fighting for forgotten children.   Suddenly in stead of falling in love with academic medicine or fellowship or something will give my pre-existing condition gimpy self sustainable health insurance I am missing as if I have lost my first love. As if we are painfully separated by a dream not deferred but given up and revised.


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