Body Language

February 23, 2012 Amy FriendsPatient-nessThe FutureWeddings

I would love to tell you that I always love my body.

That I appreciate my scars for the story they tell.
That I value the oddly shaped contours of my poor long bones.

That I love the strange angles that my contracted ankles and elbows grace me with.

But I would be lying.

But then again I have been lying a lot today.

All three of my best friends are getting married in the next 18 months.  Today I went to get fitted for my first of several bridesmaid dresses at the infamous David’s Bridal which has never been my favorite.  The dress is sleek, asymmetrical, one shoulder empire waist canary colored gown.  My shoulders have some impressive scars. My elbows are awkwardly angled. All around me are girls with shoulders with no scars, with normal contours.  And for a moment I feel naked, exposed and ancient.

I rip the dress off, buy it (ugh!) and run home. My best friend who knew I was going dress shopping calls me all excited. I try so hard to keep up the level of excitement because its her wedding.  And I want her to be happy.   She nearly drags it out of me, I dance around the issue a bit, mumbilng a bit.  She tells me I can return the dress, I can wear a shawl.  She is upset.  I tell her its fine.  SO FINE.  DOn’t worry about it, its not her, its not the dress its just me.

My disability mentor Bliss tells me  that I should embrace my body and I wholeheartedly agree.

Its the practice that sometimes hard, especially when you are in your 20s and have to wear frequent formal wear not designed for anyone but especially not for bodies that are different than average.

One of my friends here who has Marfan’s and some other skeletal issues has had some “work” done on several scars.  I wish I had her courage, however, the whole starving children in Africa and my intense PTSD/extreme dislike for being a surgical patient rule this out. She tells me either way that my feelings are normal.  I want them to be normal but I also dislike the idea of hating the body I have.

Because in my head I agree with Bliss, bodies are beautiful in all shapes, sizes and with many marks and contours that tell our stories. So I pray God gives me grace to love my body and help others love theirs.

i’m getting married in chacos and capri pants.

OK so maybe not capri pants but chacos and a dress that drapes my shoulders a bit and doesn’t make me feel like a member of an alien race.


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