February 9, 2011 Amy GeneralJesusMy MomRandomResidencyRomaniaThe Future

Last night I had  a dream that I was drowning in a enclosed space.

Key sign that my intern mental health might be fraying.  I think I am reaching the breaking point.  I wish Kenya was next month.  I need it to remind me why all of this is worth it.

What I am drowning in:

  • See Previous entry:  choosing between my fading passion and what I actually enjoy….and am building passion for…find freedom in not being defined by my differences but not losing who I am in the process…small stuff really…
  • Its February, its snowing and icing and I am done with it.  Its not going to be past freezing today.
  • My right hip is on the cusp of dying and I am ok with it, at least more ok with it than last time. I have confidence in my surgeons. But my schedule is a night mare and because I am not a 100% WHEN I want to do it so I don’t know how to go to the chiefs. Plus admitting to my bosses is harder than admitting it to my friends. We all know that last time I end up admitting this with tears rolling down my face in the psych copy room. Yeah I suck at admitting weakness.  Not to mention that even after that there is the question…can I do this living alone in OHIO???  My support network in NC was huge and varied.  Nothing technically ever happened  that required roommates to intervene but is really safe to live with the risk of not having anyone… but how to I place an ad on Craig’s list…HI I need a roommate to be there when I get a shiny new hip so if I fall and do something crazy someone will be there to pick up the pieces…
  • I feel like I suck at my job which is mostly not true but my burnout is not  helping my morale or my confidence.
  • I miss home….yes I am falling back into the 8 yo away at summer camp mode.  I dream about being back at Wake, I miss the intimacy, I miss not having to explain things and more than anything I miss my friends particularly their diversity in that many of them are not doctors.
  • Speaking of which I MISS MY CHURCH even though it  doesn’t exist as I knew it.   I miss the freedom, the lack of formalities, I miss eating bad Mexican food every Sunday.  I miss doing life with SACRED TUESDAY, the small group we created without any guidance but out the desire to know one another and laugh at life and the questions we didn’t always understand.  I miss being able to curl up into the corner of the coach and just be or occasionally cry as long as I needed to about the dying patient, my dying hip 1.0 or the joy of it all.
  • I feel like I am missing out.  My sisters are both living at home right now one because she is doing a her student teaching and one because well she can’t handle college away.  NOW I KNOW that I pride myself in my independence and I do. But  I love my family and its hard to talk to them on the phone and listen to them all hanging out and laughing while I am here in 20 degree weather by myself in OHIO looking at erythema toxicum all day (it  is a completely benign newborn rash that is meaningless).
  • I miss Romania and this above all is the most futile.  I know I can’t be a doctor there. I cant get excited about Kenya in April or Zambia vs. Cameroon vs. Togo for next year. Or even the Ukraine….I just want to go and sit in a corner in a crumbling hospital building that I have memorized every inch of with a scarf over my head and hold a baby and not care about his erthema toxicum even though I know eventually would miss the medicine right now its killing me and I just want to love children without having to analyze their every freckle.

Now I have to go to work.  But there is the list as it stands.

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