Grace….

I fail at Grace.

Do you know how hard it for me to say those words? Do you know how hard it for me to say I FAIL.  Failure is not an option.  I look back at this year and more than any other phrase that is what echos FAILURE is NOT AN OPTION.  My hip is bone on bone at 25 in the middle of my residency interview season…failure is not an option…not matching on time NOT AN OPTION.  Yes because I would lose my insurance but more because I don’t fail. I especially don’t fail because of my disability.  I go back to school 21 days after total hip replacement, I lose my crutches at four weeks. I am rehabbing and going to medical school full time and I am exhausted and I can’t see straight I am so tired. But I got up and drove the 5 to 7 hours to go interview all over the Eastern Seaboard. It hurts to sit in the car for so long, it hurts to walk tall and straight and unassisted but I can’t appear more different than I already am.  Failure is not an option.

Its the middle of December there is a snow storm brewing one of my most important interviews is the next day and my cell phone won’t shut up. Its a top ranked peds program that somehow figured out that I was part of a computer glitch and my invitation to interview got eaten. I drive like a mad woman to beat the snow till 1AM.  I am 7 interviews down, flying from Texas the day before the interview and it the interview will be my 5th in 7 days. But I take it. Because failure is not an option. (oddly enough I matched at the almost didn’t happen interview location)

I get snowed in and reschedule my last interview on the day I fly to Kenya because failure is not an option.

I get to Kenya and discover that my day to day life involves walking uphill quarter to half a mile daily.  I am 16 weeks out from total hip….it hurts.  My manual wheelchair never leaves my flat. I have hourly muscle spasms that radiate into my back. Failure is not an option.

I commute 30 minutes both ways for a month in Delaware in four blizzards no less.  I stand in the OR for countless hours.  My attending shows disdain for the wheelchair and my messed up childhood pysche and pride keep it in my car. Failure is not an option.

So when I broke my arm a week into my ED rotation, four days before match day. You better believe that I forced them to push the surgery up so I could not only match with my class but make all my ED shifts.  Failure is not an option.

I matched at Cincinnati Children’s! A ridiculously good program but does that make me relax?  No it does not keep me from killing my self with one arm to suture in the ED or kicking myself for not being good at it?  Does it see me asking for special treatment in the ED because I can’t use my manual chair with a broken arm? Heck no.   Failure is not an option.

But you know what. It is an option.  Imperfection is not just an option its inevitable.  I am not invincible.

I can’t think straight at work and I feel like my A-game is weak and bleeding.  And you know what I am human. And yes I am human with a muscloskeletal system where failure is not just an option its the status quo. And you know what there is no shame am saying I just had surgery less than week ago, I still have stiches in my arm and honestly I am tired and a little frazzled and not on top of my game.  SO please don’t mess with me, don’t give me grief, please just be gentle with my wounded pride and my shame at saying. I am failing to be a 112% today. Please allow me some….

Grace.