The safe house….

Today I went to the peds surgery conference. Because yes I admit I wanted FREE LUNCH.

Well there is no such thing as a free lunch at least not when you are me.

The lecture was crowded. All the peds surgeons were there, all the residents more than half the peds residents and all the peds medical students and the entire Peds ED staff. It was so crowded there were people on the floor…

The topic was led by a Sr surgery resident and was on Peds tramua. It was well done. I was sitting there eating my potato salad and turkey sandwhich when all of the sudden JKP my peds surgery attending (FROM LAST APRIL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD) stops the resident looks around the room and say A. L. (my name), what are the five Ps of compartment syndrome.  THere are like 50 people (no lie) in the room including surely some of JKP’s current residents and students for him to torture.   I had a big bite of my free lunch in my mouth and half mouth half cough “Me??” like an idiot. “Yes you!” he says with his big grin, “you can phone a friend if you want.”  “Um how many Ps are there again?.. ” I am racking my brain I know all about compartment syndrome but I don’t know if I can describe with only P words.  I know the symptoms the treatment, the causes.
“UM umm.. pain, pulseless, pallor…”  Coldness, coldness I think but I can think of a P word for coldness.  “Um someone can get the other two. ” I mumble. Here I am a fourth year and am being pimped by an attending in front 50 people and I get it wrong…how humiliating.  Of course an eager third year gets the last two…”polikothermia (coldness) and parasthesia” some kid who probably knows endless acronyms and couldn’t actually talk to a real human being or even treat compartment syndrome… but as I began to think about it more I took the compliment.

As I left and wandered back to Peds Cards Clinic I realized something scary…

JKP likes me which may seem terribly contradictory because I really was a terrible surgery student not because I couldn’t suture quickly to save my life but because I lacked confidence. But the reason he likes me is because I wrote an essay about my last day as his student( http://wakeelf.livejournal.com/2008/09/23 ) . And because I spent time with little girl who was very, very terrified one Friday pre-operatively after I left the service (long story). He found out about this after a Mom told him on a follow up appt three months later.  He e-mailed me a thank you note.

For those of you outside of the profession if you get pimped (asked a question) in a room full of 50 other people by an attending currently not your own one of two things is true. 9/10 (in places not cut-throat) that attending thinks you are awesome (he might think this see above) or really smart (not true). For that attending to be in another specialty far, far from  yours of interest means he really, really  likes you if he actually knows your name. Or occasionally an attending will do it TRULY because he/she doesn’t like a student but its rare. So yes we humiliate people we like, as a weird medical compliment.. and you wonder why doctors are so messed up…

Here is the thing at my current academic home of 8 years.  Everyone knows my name. Not just JKP. But all the Deans, the head of my dept, the program directors.  I am never that kid they had on the service three years ago.  Its not because I am so great, its because I have been here forever and I am only the med studednt ever to go all four years here with a disability.  Generally I am well liked, well supported and safe. So safe, no one doubts rather I should be here, no one thinks twice about a doctor in a wheelchair or amplified stephscope in the peds cards clinic.

I have been scheduling interviews and dreaming of  moving on.  In my heart I know this is right. But today I realized its going to hurt. More than I realize. Because the outside is not safe.  Everyone does not know my name. Everyone does not respect me or my existence.  Out there there is no JKP or Dr. O or Dr. J to fight on my behalf or even cheer me on.

Outside I am still a questionable admission….outside I am chronically ill, pre-existing condition, idealist, non-conformist who came into medicine knowing who she was and had little interest in fitting into some medicine mold.

Am I ready for that? Am I ready to leave this safe harbor I have sailed in for 8 years?