Important Things I learned in Medical School

We need to liberate the Iraqis in the duodenum

Its all comes back to bacon and a kid named Tony.

Cardiology is better with an adult beverage in your hand.

All the colorful language I use I learned from Dr. Chatterjee.

GI Joel is the coolest block director ever.

If you eat Polar Bear Liver you will kill your own liver

Reindeer do not have gallbladders

Do not eat your hair.  It will cause a massive obstruction in your GI tract over time.

Vulvanman and godzilla are friends.

That’s the straight poop. (Its all true)

Don’t play with guns.

Don’t play with bricks.

Don’t play with hot water.

Don’t play with knives.

Don’t play with nails.

Don’t play with toothbrushes.

Don’t eat Mr. Potato Head parts.

Don’t play with cars.

Don’t play with lawn mowers. Actually lawn mowers should just be burned.

One nut is better than no nuts.

Never underestimate the high frequency of less than one in a million.

Med students are man’s simplest tool the wedge. Its always our fault.

Anything smaller than a a baseball can be stuffed into nearly any body orifice.

Delivering babies is not a sterile procedure.

The uterus might be the most amazing organ of all time.

My parents’ home is NOT a substance abuse facility.

Its easier to apply for disability with many diseases than it is to find a job with insurance that will cover said disease.

One should never see cats in the ICU but one may occasionally actually be right about being paranoid that the FBI is tracking you.

Electroconvulsive  therapy is shockingly anti-climatic

In the end it all comes down to fluid.

how you die matters.

bagels taste better at 2AM.

I am on pg 417 of Smith’s book.

Informed  consent is a relative term.

Cancer sucks.

It looks like a rt bundle branch block…it is a rt bundle branch block.

When it doubt it congestive heart failure. When its not CHF, its probably HIV and if its not HIV its probably TB.

Messed up kids have super messed up parents.

Everyone is addicted to something…the question is how quickly will it kill you.

You can actually exnucleate your eye with your own hands.

Never underestimate what can happen with anyone with eyeballs in a mile radius of small, sharp,pointy objects.

Cameras in the workplace just scare the crap out of everyone.

All bleeding stops.

Adults need something to do in the hospital other than stare at the walls and ponder their fate.

SKIP BO is an excellent example of a better activity.

Losing the ability to walk. Difficult. Losing one’s ability to feed one self. Difficult. Losing one’s ability to commuinicate Difficult. Losing the ability to think, relate to the world.  pricelessly horrible.