crucible

And sometimes things break down.

My computer died this week had to get its hard drive wiped and I had to reinstall all kinds of programs and stuff, thankfully they saved my pictures and my documents and music.

I am jealous of my computer. I wish I could wipe away the clutter in my life, the voices of others, the opinions, the perceptions, the layers, the myths, the mistakes and the perfectionism. I wish I could just selectively choose and have it wiped away. I feel like I am a fish bowl and every one in my life is screaming at me with advice and concern and I don’t know which one of the big distorted faces reflected in my glass prison is not going to eat me.

Dad is yelling at me to stay at Wake where its safe and to be wary of the outside world of medicine where there are no ramps, no electronic medical records and evil administrators who eat fish…I mean gimps for dinner.

My advisors are yelling at me to go for it, the sky is the limit, I can go ANYWHERE, aim high, represent us well they say.

My Dean of Academic Affairs is vocally telling anyone who will listen they want me to stay here (possibly forever…and ever and ever Amen. )

My friends (and my classmates and their significant others) are yelling at me to stop worrying while they themselves daily seem to be begging for anxiolytics, time off and sleep meds.

Two long term adults in my life are telling me to be the doctor that disabled people believe they can’t be.

Disabled people in my life are yelling at me to change things for them.

My doctors are telling me they are willing to do what ever I want to do…just name it. But in their compassionate, beautifully executed, careful, tactful manner they are telling me exactly what I SHOULD do.

My body says its tired and sore and its counting the cost and its sort of like the bailout of the US economy…its getting bigger.

My mind is bogged down by all the voices and the doubt and the exhaustion.

My heart is longing to be free of the fish bowl on so many levels.

My spirit is crying out not for advice or even wisdom but for peace, for stillness, for simplicity.

If only I could just get my hard drive wiped.