I like the funny looking ones best.

On the way to skiing I visited the one other Virginian with Kniest. He is 10. I haven’t seen him in 6 years.  He is one of the coolest kids I know. He has a zoo in his room with a snake, frogs, several lizards and a chameleon. I held them all to his delight (adult females who have affection for reptiles and amphibians are hard to find).  He is also an artist and has beautiful, framed colored pencil drawings all over his house.   He is brilliant, makes straight As, has a great sense of humor and a fun personality.  He also happens to be the size of the average 4 yo and we have the same face and eyes and hands.

And for the first time in a while I thought about what it would be like to have a child, my child with Kniest.   I remember being a teenager and thinking when I am older I will know what I want. I will know rather I am ok with 50/50 odds and if I could live with the gulit of knowing that I could have prevented my child’s disability by adopting.  The truth of the matter is I am 24 and probaly more confused than I was at 14.

Its such a multifaceted decision that is so caught up in my own fears and insecurities and identity that I find myself running in circles.  On the one hand, who doesn’t imagine having a child that looks like you and that has similar life experiences to you?  And besides I am always talking about how I would never have been the strong woman that I am today if I have been born average. And when I see  children like my friend who I visited who are amazing, gifted and adorable I can’t help but dream about having a child like that.  Lots of women with Kniest have babies..many have one average and one with Kniest. And ultimately God would make the decision not me.

But on the other hand, I have this image of me sitting in a surgical waiting room somewhere wringing my hands and facing agonizing gulit knowing EXACTLY what my kid is going through and knowing that I could have prevented it.  Even knowing God is in control would not entirely assuage my gulit. I advocate for adoption naturally….no matter what I want to adopt anyway…but I think in the deep places in my heart I always imagined being pregnant with my own at least once. A small side note if I did decide to carry my own child…there will be many in my profession who think this decision down right irresponsible. I don’t really care what they think…but I am sure it will make for an interesting 9 months…

ultimately I wouldn’t’ have a kid  naturally (I will adopt with or without the guy ) in less I found the right guy anyway and he would of course have some say…so I suppose this endless monologue is futile. …I just find it interesting that when I thought the decision would get easier and more well defined….its has gotten so much more complicated and ambigious.