ahh yes right I remember now

Break was blissful, lots of movies, sitting on the sofa laughing with the family, sleeping late, eating too much and enjoying my much missed blue ridges. I was dreading coming back considering that I will be first to admit I have been a bitter with school of late.

but its been suprisingly great! I have really, really enjoyed the last three days of general int medicine. I keep pinching myself. I think some of my bitterness truly was I missed the holistic aspects of peds BUT a good portion of it was being burntout and exhausted.

I always knew being a medical student with a chronic illness was not going to be all shiny A pluses, dasies and rainbows but the last two months have been really rough. Its partly the time of year, the cold seems to creep into my joints and hiberate there for the winter.  No matter how much I swim, no matter how much I sleep or take nsaids or meditate or bang my head aganist the wall I am going to wake up swollen, stiff and there are a lot of days I spend a good 5-7 minutes in bed wondering if I get vertical how long I will actually be able to tolerate staying that way….combine that with getting up at 5, attempting to not look like you should be the one in the hospital bed and carrying more patients than ever (not to mention trying to be in a wedding, maintain some sort of vague life outside of my education) and you have my last two months.

Somewhere amongst all of this I have learned some key things….that I am never going to win at the medical knowledge game or the perfect presentation game or the best medical student game and oh right I didn’t go to medical school to do any of those things.

and somehow that has made me saner. I am still swollen, still tired but considerably more content.