the half way point

In one way I feel like I have been in medical school FOREVER and in another way I feel like I blinked on my college graduation day and am now on the eve of third year. Oddly the day I got my first medical school acceptance letter I had an eye doctors’ appt. Today I had one two. Medical school milestone seem to be associated with photophobia and pupils the diameter of my thumb.

 

As I set blinking away the stars and trying to study auto-antibodies, my mind drifted back to the day 2 and half years ago when I sat there. I remember I was carrying my ancient blue messenger bag which sat on my lap while I waited for my pupils to enlarge. The letter was still there from when I had opened it that morning. I remember being in shock that it was over, one or the other I was going to medical school. 

Today I sat blinking and in awe of the fact I never have to go back to class (we do have lectures in third/fourth year but more in a small group format and never for more than  a day and usually not for longer than an hour). I felt an intense feeling of relief. I have whined about the last two years and my own feelings that I have not grown as much as a person as I would have liked in some ways and how I feel like I never seem to know everything I need to know. But looking back I know so, so much more than I did two years ago. I have learned a new language and I can now read it and speak it somewhat fluently. Its sort of remarkable how much I have learned. 

I marveled at the spring weather today, it reminded me of newness. It rustled in the anticipation that is so deeply ingrained in me…summer. My sister called, she just got accepted to work at the camp we all went to as kids and I worked at in high school. I was instantly filled with childish longing of endless days of living outside and building relationships with kids. Then it dawned on me I get to do something much, much cooler this summer. Not only do I get to build relationships with people, I get to actually take care of them, operate on them, deliver them and assist them in the most significant moments of their lives. And suddenly the jealousy melted and for the first time since Romania I didn’t hate medical school.

In fact I was suddenly ecstatically excited about medical school. Suddenly clinical medicine is not some sort of distant, abstract, theoretical reality or daydream its here. And while it certainly won’t be all Popsicle stick creations and bug juice, it’s certainly going to be an amazing chance to learn and grow. And I have been daydreaming about it since I was 14, how many of those daydreams actually come to fruition. I can’t help but be excited. I can’t help but be ecstatically grateful and happy for today’s milestone.