grateful fear

February 2, 2008 Amy BooksChildrenFriendsMedical SchoolMy MomThe FutureTRAVEL

I spent my first day off from studying in four weeks sprucing up my living room. My wonderful Mom helped me build some shelves (she did it I was too busy having a mental breakdown) last Tuesday. Today I filled them with books and pictures and momentos from my journeying. I have a travel shelf with my little Belarusian village house and magic doll (a gift from a developmentally disabled woman, it supposed to keep the evil eye from looking my way), travel guides, essays and such. I have a shelf with all my books on doctoring (not textbooks, memoirs, stories, fiction,etc) and some med school friends pictures. Another self devoted to college pictures. On the bottom shelves I put children’s books and various toys and things that I have accumulated so that my roomate’s nephew who spends at least one night every other week with us will have full access. to the toys and books  even if I am not around when he comes.  As a result of moving books and pictures out of my room, I finally have desk space and got rid of the random piles of crap that used to live on my dresser.

I also got some pictures framed. Ariana (my best friend from childhood) and her husband Jimmy are professional photographers these days. They sent me three beautiful photographs printed on really cool shiny, metallic paper and already matted for Chris. All I had to do was provide the frames. The finished product of shelves and pictures was lovely. I feel for the first time settled in my own home.

I am actually sitting on my sofa (people will have to make out elsewhere tonight) rather than holed up in my room. Its liberating. I feel a little ridiculous I can’t believe I let it get this crazy.  I should never be afraid of my own living room. I should never hate my life like I have for the last while.  I whine and complain but in reality I have not done much to help myself of late.  I think I left my self advocacy in a box waiting in my closet next to my travel guides. It was safer there tucked away where it couldn’t get me in trouble.

Similarly I have let stuff pile and fester without thinking to the point I have beaome so overwhelmed that I just want to purge everything that is overwhelming me so I don’t have to deal with it.And even the smallest addition to the piles makes me want to do this. And of course the mess is NOT MY FAULT, I am great at blaming and justifying my lack of action. Not healthy or helpful.

So today I reorganized. Today I hung some pictures and finally unpacked the last box from college. And I pondered.

and I decided that I was going to blog on my sofa tonight just for starters.


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