the worst poetry in the universe

So on Thursday I got a cancellation appt to go see the Rheumatologist about the burning pain in my right hip which I knew was greater trochanter bursitis. But my opinion doesn’t count. I leave bedside teaching early (after having interviewed and examined a woman with RA which happened to due to random computer selection…we decided that cold weather stinks and we should move to AZ) and sprinted to the internal medicine floor. It was late in the day so there was no one there except one or two people quietly waiting. I walked up to the window to check-in breathless and tired. The lady asks, “Do you have a number?” I blink several times and say what number (my SS #, my insurance card #, # I made on my last exam, etc). She points upward and says we have a new system. Above my head is a scrolling marquee with a big read letter and number. What is this the freaking DMV???? I ask her where does one GET A NUMBER (when you make the appt, when you’re born, etc).

There is a small little calculator like apparatus by the elevator, she instructs me to push the green button. I push the green button and out pops A 204. I roll over and park in the waiting area in front of the check in desk. The secretary looks at me. 40 seconds pass. Then she smiles and pushes a button on the wall and what do you know A 204 pops up on the screen.

Because medicine needed more bureaucracy, we added this.

I am too busy to get seen at the ultrasound therapy place (they are actually equally busy). So I did as I was instructed and called back to make a injection appointment, something I knew was coming but I have been avoiding for a week  because I am an anti-intervention, tough, stoic, non-compliant patient. I called Friday morning. The doctor had not put the order in. I called today and the secretary told me I had appt at 1PM and was upset I didn’t know about it. And I was like oh really, no one told me……maybe this is why we have numbers….

I refuse to practice medicine for real anywhere that makes my patients take a number…I will not be a VOGAN.

alas back to the endless renal studying.

the life boat

yesterday about half way through the day I made a decision even though it didn’t really work with my schedule I was going to show up and observe in botox minor surgery clinic today (not for wrinkles but for spascity that comes with cerebral palsy). I have been waiting to do this all year and it is just never going to fit into my schedule I know because I have seen the rest of my 2nd year on paper and its rapidly nearing the last page. So I said to heck with class I can’t sit for longer than 30 minutes anyways, I broke some school rules and went and shadowed.

I showed up, put on scrubs for the first time (well for non-theatrical purposes/as PJs). I walked into the OR for the first time (typically I am rolled one way or another) as if I belonged there and for twenty seconds kind was kind of startled by the smells and lighting because they were associated with my brain with anxiety, being freezing cold and nausea. But I shook it off and got right into the thick of it, helped sedate some kids and realized for the millionth time I love kids. I also realized how much pharm and how much anatomy is already gone (like the entire hand anatomy is gone…) but I reminded myself that an hour or two with Netter’s would fix that. I learned lots about botox, phenol and EMGs. I realized that I could totally do botox injections which was a huge relief considering I couldn’t do peds PMR as easily if I couldn’t.

Mid-morning, my attending started talking an upcoming patient, I recognized her name and history. She was a baby (who was extremely premature…24 weeks) I helped feed and visited as a Sr in college volunteering in the NICU. I immediately went to see her in the pre-op area. Her Mom remembered me (gimp factor) and the baby is now a toddler with big beautiful eyes, pigtails and a very friendly disposition. Within a minute she was in my arms, playing with my name-tag and smiling at me. The last time I held her torso fit in my hand, now she is walking with AFOs and learning to talk. I melted.

I got to bring her back to the OR and participate in her procedure and then check on her in recovery. And the last two weeks melted and I remembered that I hate medical school but I love doctoring. I love building relationships with people,  love watching them get better and I love helping them.  I love watching little people grow and develop into their own persons. This is what I signed up for and in 14 weeks I will be a third year and finally there. In 8 weeks I will be done with class. I can do this. I want to do this.

the figure shrouded in black

everything I have heard about renal being the worse thing to happen to any medical student is entirely…..

true.

bummer I was hoping it was sort of blown out of proportion.

In other news I am in triage of life mode with dangerously low spoon levels. I am making decisions like grocery store or hang out with friends. I would like to tell you its fun and educational but I would be lying. Walking hurts now in addition to sitting, I know I should go get a cortisone shot but I have so little faith in their ability to do anything for me and I have less faith in getting an appointment before February. Sad how little faith I have in medical science…the irony. If its truly bursitis the shots might actually help though end the cycle of irritation…

yes the etiology of bursitis is irritation of the bursa sac…what is the offending agent well considering I have no recent history of trauma, surgery, metabolic issues, etc I am going with MEDICAL SCHOOL.  even the bones cry out people….

in other news we have started a small but passionate task force to get PAUL FARMER (a hero of mine) to come speak at Wake…so med school does have its small perks. Its a pipe dream but we are determined as heck and little reckless in the execution so who knows maybe we will succeed.

Purple Nights

warning I am about to spew much med school venting.

Why I hate medical school…

Because I can study for a week straight right through Thanksgiving and still worry about my exam grade after the exam because I suck at multiple choice tests no matter how hard I try to fix that.

Because no matter how hard I try I never seem to be as on top of it all as everyone around me.

Because I keep doing laundry and not having enough time to put my clothles away so I just have piles of clothes around my room at all times.

Because I can’t ever seem to do the things that seem to really matter like my ministry and activism activities even half well beacuse medical school sucks spoons.

Because I have spent time, spoons and much anguish trying to get health insurance…while I work and learn in a hospital.

Because I have been reading the same book for the past three months because I don’t have time to finish it.

Because I have tears running down my face today sitting in churchtongiht because it hurt to sit down for any length of time because medical school sucked spoons to the point I have double hip bursitis.

Because I am sitting in my bed trying to sleep off the pain while my friends are out basking in the freedom of post-exam weekend.

Because my friends wonder if I am horribly ill as I tell them I have to go home.

Because I have 6 cellphone messages and a pile of e-mails, 2 thank you notes and a boat load of Christmas shopping to do and no spoons to do it with.

Because for the last week I have had boxes of Christmas decorations in my car and no time or spoons to get them out.

Yeah I hate med school sometimes. Sometimes I have second thoughts. Sometimes I dream of just disappearing and just holding abandoned babies for the rest of my life. To heck with medical school, I rather be a student of humanity, I rather use my precious cartilage on something else.

then I wake up and I am still swollen and still frustrated and I wonder what was I thinking.

PS if you don’t know what a spoon is….go here

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf