Savoring and Avoiding….

I took a spontaneous trip to see all my extended family the past couple or days. I am not sure what came of me, I just needed to get out of Roanoke. Everyone keeps e-mailing to ask me when I am coming back to WS and I keep sending vague replies. I am finally getting some research done although I think the project is going to be a bust. But I will still get credit for doing it.

The trip was really nice. I spent quality time with my Aunt who lives in Hong Kong who I never see, I took my grandmother to the beach twice and she never gets to go, I spent a morning at the Ann Taylor outlet with my Mom with us holed up in the Handicap dressing room trying on more than 6 items each at a time.  And I ate 49 cent ice cream and cuddled my first female first cousin ever (and she is number 10) . It was nice, high quality family time.

I nearly broke down today listening to a family friend who is moving to do missions stuff in Slovakia.   I feel like an 11yr old who can’t get over summer camp.  My family being my family of course wanted to hear all about Aurel and my journeys. It was fun to share it with them and I would never have been able to do any of it without their raising funds and supporting Emily and I. But it was painful, like taking a band-aid off a wound that hasn’t scabbed over. My grandfather after I finished showing pictures and telling stories asked me “What Aurel does do all day?” And I nearly broke down because answer was of course nothing other than wait to be fed and changed.  And even though there are a half a million children like that in Eastern Europe alone and I have known that for years, I can’t seem to not long to be there with them instead of here on the eve of adulthood and a career that I have serious doubts I really want.

I have had several people tell me how subdued I seem and I can’t seem to shake it off. I am trying really I am.  I made myself watch American TV (ugh). I ordered all my BRS books. I have bought tickets to be in a wedding in Sept. I even accepted a new cellphone even though there was NOTHING wrong with the old one. I am trying to read books that talk about med school, grad school, life in America, etc. I have prayed and read scripture and talked to my family. I have organized my pictures and posted them on Facebook in an attempt to share my experiences with free world.  have two job shadowing ops lined up including one with Wake’s only peds rehab doc. But none of it is helping much and the clock is ticking in 10 days I will be back in med school.

And I can’t seem to get my mind around that I am supposed to be happy about medical school and studying for the boards and waiting 10 ripping years to do what I really want to be doing. And I still wake up in the middle of the night with dreams of attention starved orphans and ice cream.

I’m a mess…but hey I have a tan and I have one gorgeous week of summer left to figure it all out. It could be worse…SO MUCH WORSE.

What Now? Motivation and Direction?

I am pondering my life as it be on my parents’ sofa with my dog on one side and a pile of research surveys I am supposed to be entering into excel but instead am just sort of occasionally staring at. If I learned nothing this summer, its that I don’t really want to do public health research. I am at that fun point of post-overseas life where I ponder what the heck I am supposed to do now. Back in 2004, I decided to go to medical school post Romania Take 1. Now I am trying to decide what to do now that I am in medical school post-Romania take 2.

I don’t hate medical school its not the work or the exams or the people even. I think I somehow failed to realized that medical school would involve navigating medical institutions in all their pomp and circumstance and down right brainwashing. Somewhere in the mist of 3 summers of Eastern Europe, I decided I hate bureaucracy and somewhere in 22 years of medical drama I decided I hated arrogant doctors, condescending fellows and overly cheerful medical students who wake you up at 5AM. Then I woke up sometime last Spring and realized, oh shoot, I am one of those medical students.

And as Jennifer Lee was begging me to go apply for a VISA and run a program at Marion Pazon (where Aurel is) a month ago, I was ready to just drop it all and do just that. Over there, no one really cares if you have a college degree much less a MD. I love living overseas, I have great friends, I live a simpler life that resolves around children, friends and my faith. None of this insane competition, no studying for boards, no silly white coat, no silly pants suit. Just me in a bandanna on my head, a kid in my lap and a song on my lips.

So why am I here on my parents’ sofa in an empty house 5000 miles away from that life? Because I am in MED SCHOOL. Three years ago I was oh so excited about that path. And two years ago I wrote an essay made at least 2 admissions committee members at various medical schools cry. And a year ago I started medical school, anxious but so excited. Where did all that passion and excitement go? I have 6-9 years left of school.

basically I am looking for motivation and direction. I feel as if I have no niche…

I want to be a doctor…
BUT
I can’t stand medical politics.
I can’t stand how arrogant and condescending medicine can be.
I can’t stand folks obsession with physical bodies to the point where the person stops being important.
I don’t love science as much as I did in college.

I want to be a medical missionary overseas.
BUT
I don’t want to be a preacher.
I don’t want to HAVE to marry a preacher.
I don’t want to be a family practice doctor in the jungle of Africa (lets be honest, this is not in line with my abilities or gifts).
Actually I just don’t want to be a family practice doctor. I know that is hersey in the world of medical misisons but deal with it.
I don’t really want to be an academic physician and teaches classes on International Health and take my kids to Africa once a year.
I don’t really want to do public health research.
I don’t really want a bunch of fancy extra years of medical training.

What I do want to do:
I want to work with kids.
I want to work with disabled kids.
I want to stop the institutionalization of disabled kids.
I want to in general work for a better quality of life for those kids.
I want to be a “when necessary use words” sort of Christian.
I want to have a family and a life. And I want to be able to stay at home with my kids when they are really young.
I want to write things that matter.

So today, I gave up on being productive and gave in to my AIM addiction and let my mind wander. And somewhere in the middle of a conversation on a completely different topic it came to me.

Pediatric Rehab medicine.

does that exist? Medicine that only takes care of disabled kids? The picture in my mind was basically a disability guru who can solve anything with duct tape, a tennis ball, some random foam pieces, a piece of cloth and Velcro who runs a rehab center in a hut in the developing world. Oh and has a husband and 2 to 3 kids running/rolling around the hut.

Not only does it exist…you can get double boarded in peds and rehab.
downside…there are 9 spots a year! 9 SPOTS!!! 9, count them people, count them.
well I suppose I should be careful what I pray for because that is more direction than I wanted.