What Now? Motivation and Direction?

I am pondering my life as it be on my parents’ sofa with my dog on one side and a pile of research surveys I am supposed to be entering into excel but instead am just sort of occasionally staring at. If I learned nothing this summer, its that I don’t really want to do public health research. I am at that fun point of post-overseas life where I ponder what the heck I am supposed to do now. Back in 2004, I decided to go to medical school post Romania Take 1. Now I am trying to decide what to do now that I am in medical school post-Romania take 2.

I don’t hate medical school its not the work or the exams or the people even. I think I somehow failed to realized that medical school would involve navigating medical institutions in all their pomp and circumstance and down right brainwashing. Somewhere in the mist of 3 summers of Eastern Europe, I decided I hate bureaucracy and somewhere in 22 years of medical drama I decided I hated arrogant doctors, condescending fellows and overly cheerful medical students who wake you up at 5AM. Then I woke up sometime last Spring and realized, oh shoot, I am one of those medical students.

And as Jennifer Lee was begging me to go apply for a VISA and run a program at Marion Pazon (where Aurel is) a month ago, I was ready to just drop it all and do just that. Over there, no one really cares if you have a college degree much less a MD. I love living overseas, I have great friends, I live a simpler life that resolves around children, friends and my faith. None of this insane competition, no studying for boards, no silly white coat, no silly pants suit. Just me in a bandanna on my head, a kid in my lap and a song on my lips.

So why am I here on my parents’ sofa in an empty house 5000 miles away from that life? Because I am in MED SCHOOL. Three years ago I was oh so excited about that path. And two years ago I wrote an essay made at least 2 admissions committee members at various medical schools cry. And a year ago I started medical school, anxious but so excited. Where did all that passion and excitement go? I have 6-9 years left of school.

basically I am looking for motivation and direction. I feel as if I have no niche…

I want to be a doctor…
BUT
I can’t stand medical politics.
I can’t stand how arrogant and condescending medicine can be.
I can’t stand folks obsession with physical bodies to the point where the person stops being important.
I don’t love science as much as I did in college.

I want to be a medical missionary overseas.
BUT
I don’t want to be a preacher.
I don’t want to HAVE to marry a preacher.
I don’t want to be a family practice doctor in the jungle of Africa (lets be honest, this is not in line with my abilities or gifts).
Actually I just don’t want to be a family practice doctor. I know that is hersey in the world of medical misisons but deal with it.
I don’t really want to be an academic physician and teaches classes on International Health and take my kids to Africa once a year.
I don’t really want to do public health research.
I don’t really want a bunch of fancy extra years of medical training.

What I do want to do:
I want to work with kids.
I want to work with disabled kids.
I want to stop the institutionalization of disabled kids.
I want to in general work for a better quality of life for those kids.
I want to be a “when necessary use words” sort of Christian.
I want to have a family and a life. And I want to be able to stay at home with my kids when they are really young.
I want to write things that matter.

So today, I gave up on being productive and gave in to my AIM addiction and let my mind wander. And somewhere in the middle of a conversation on a completely different topic it came to me.

Pediatric Rehab medicine.

does that exist? Medicine that only takes care of disabled kids? The picture in my mind was basically a disability guru who can solve anything with duct tape, a tennis ball, some random foam pieces, a piece of cloth and Velcro who runs a rehab center in a hut in the developing world. Oh and has a husband and 2 to 3 kids running/rolling around the hut.

Not only does it exist…you can get double boarded in peds and rehab.
downside…there are 9 spots a year! 9 SPOTS!!! 9, count them people, count them.
well I suppose I should be careful what I pray for because that is more direction than I wanted.