Nostaglic Formations

and thus begins a series of entries associated with Pre-Romanian-ness…..

There are lot of things that go into our identities. That make us who we are. In my life things like: Navy life, Baptist-ness, classic literature (thanks Dad), American history (yet again Thanks Dad), a lot of trees, rain, clouds animals, stars, flowers and ecology (yay Mom),Christian theology, being the oldest, being a Kniestian, theater, living in community, traveling, Wake Forest-ness, kids, Eastern Europe, being a woman…..I could go on all night. The point is that despite all these things, when circumstances are right we can change, more than we ever wanted to.
I have been journaling (the personal kind) a lot lately about how I have changed for the good and bad since college. On the one hand I think I have matured some, become less naive, more open-minded and have become a much better listener (I am such a talker naturally). On the other hand I think I have lost some of my passion for people, lost some self-confidence (a common med school problem), lost some of my spiritual focus and lost some patience. As bitter as one my other blog entries was a month ago, I think I am growing. And sometimes growing is not fun and lets face it college was FUN.

But there are things I want to reclaim take back from the pressures of med school and adult life. I FINALLY finished my Romania scrapbook this weekend.  I have been putting it off. For the first year, I was too sad about Laura dying and last year was just too crazy with graduating. But I decided I had to finish before I leave (a month from today). Its beautiful. As I looked at my pictures, read my blog entries which I printed and put in the back behind the pictures, I remembered the silly girl I was. I was so determined and so caught up in my work and those kids. It was like falling in the love for the first time. I was so blind to how big the issues I was trying to tackle were. I had so much hope, so much compassion and love to give. I know that I won’t be that girl in a month. I can’t be. But I want to learn from her. I want to carry the good parts with me and learn from my innocence. Innocence which I think I might have been pilfered from my luggage in Minsk…I supposed I shouldn’t have checked it.
For better or for worse Belarus ROCKED my faith in and patience with people. Tim’s complete disrespect for the developmentally disabled kids we were working with hardened something within me. The hardship and the endless oppression the families faced. And I think I was scared on just how much I rebelled when my well meaning host family treated me as they would treat any disabled person in their culture…like a invalid who needed to be baby-sat.  I had devoted a year of my life to fighting for these kids and I couldn’t last 8 weeks living with half of the stigma they live with. I think I felt as if I had failed. The persecution of the Protestants and minority religious groups…topped off with losing Laura so soon after I was home…all of it took the first love of Romania and covered it in the mud and mire that is reality. My Sr. year  with two of my best friends at each others’ throats and this year in med school with all its frustrations, challenges and ironies have only further disillusioned me.

But I am fighting it. I can’t change the world. I have accepted that but that doesn’t mean I have to stop trying. It also doesn’t mean I have to give up on people or the things that I love. I have been far too willing to do that at late. I can’t go back to be a silly 19 yr old. Nor do I want to. What I want to do is find a way to be a hopeful, loving, compassionate 22 yr old who is ok in her skin and knows what she is about. Who knows that a lot of things are pretty darn futile but who knows she can’t live with herself if she doesn’t try.

That my goal for the summer is to reclaim some of the fire I had before Belarus and to take some of what I learned about living under stigma in Belarus and channel it into working against it. And to come home passionate and focused on why I am in medical school and why I care about disability and children’s issues.